Your constant online declarations that you have the 'greatest boyfriend ever' is making me really wish that he cheats on you.
I read my own palm today, it said i was going to slap you.
An elephant is talking to a camel. "why do you have 2 bosoms om your back?" the camel replies "says the person with a manliness in his face, "
Thought you were hit with the ugly stick, but u were gang violated by the entire forest.
When you catch a fish and release it, does go back and tell it's friends it was abducted by alien?
A friend is one who can see the truth and pain in you when you're fooling everyone else.
Does this dress make me look fat?, No, your fat makes you look fat
A wife says to her husband, " I feel fat and ugly, give me a compliment.", He says, "naughty woman u have perfect vision"
H.A.T.E.R.S= Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success.
You hold the key to my heart; too bad i changed the lock!
Never steal, the government hates competition.
I may look calm, but in my head ive killed you three times.
You're so broke, you can't even pay attention.
Why don't you go slip into something a little more relaxing, Like a coma.
Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
My key -- simple. I NEVER, ever give up. I simply out run failure in time. Fear is only a sprinter w/flash. I am a long distance runner.
If you didn't see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don't think it with your small mind and spread it with your big mouth!
I hate weddings cuz everytime an old person see's u they poke u and say "hey your next" so I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Ever look at your ex and think: "was i drunk our whole relationship!!!??!"
If I was a teacher, id make every answer on a test "A" just to see a bunch of kids panic.
Girls care about where their man is going in the future Guys care about where their girl has been in the past.
Ever Heard about the device that converts thoughts into speech, It's called Alcohol.
I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U has eight letters, but baby, so does B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
Who puts LOL, ROFL or LMAO knowing damn well you're sittin there with a straight face???
A long journey always begins with words: 'I think I know a shortcut'.
I hate when people put 'loool'. what are you? laughing out out out loud?
Your so fake, your birth certificate says 'Made in China'
Too bad I can't set my hopes too high, 'cause every hello ends with goodbye.
If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?
Always FORGIVE your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
"To lead people, walk beside them, When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves!'"
"If I can't have you, at least i was able to know I HAD you."
The difference between “like”, “love”, and “in love” is the same with “for now”, for a while”, and “forever.”
, If I don't have a purpose in my life, I will make YOUR life, a living hell.
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