HILARIOUS AND ABSURD QUOTES 1

Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill them.

I hate it when clothes look better on the hanger than they do on your body.

Your pretty, at night, Miles away, in a cave, Behind a wall, to a blind person.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

People say I have a dirty mind, but then again, if THEY don't, how did they understand what I was saying.

I like to be in the background since everyone wants to stand out.

You are nothing but broken dreams and empty promises.

I wish Facebook had a "slap" button.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

I see a fly following you so I automatically assume you smell like poo.

Abortion doesn't make u unpregnate. It makes u the mother of a dead baby.

Be very nice to a person that smokes, every cigarette might be their last.

Life would be so much easier if you could just Google someone, and see them unclothed, to know what you were getting into.
I could eat my watch, but that would be time consuming.

Whoever said money dosen't grow on trees, never grew marijuana.

What mirror do some of these people look in when they call themselves pretty?

Love- a kind of amnesia that makes a woman forget that there's still 1.2 billion men left in the world.

A bank is a place that will loan you money if you can prove you don't need it.

Dude, I watch all the CSI's, Ncis and Criminal Minds. I can make your death look like an accident.

GUY: would u wear gloves if u didnt have hands? GIRL: no?? GUY: then why do u wear a bra?

Why when your wife gets pregnant, everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" But nobody rubs your manliness and says "Good Job"?

Ever notice how 99% of the time, your EX gets uglier after you break up?

When life shuts a door, just break in through the window.

When I was a kid, my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the cops call it identity theft.

I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

Never share your problems with anyone, cause 20% don't care and 80% are glad you have them.

You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

Your teeth are so messed up they look like Chinese letters.

A man traveling with six children, "all these kids are yours?" man replies "no, i work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints"

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

There's just no pleasing women, you give them an inch and they want eight.

Its funny how everybody who supports abortion has already been born.

I may look calm and I'm smiling but somewhere in my brain I'm holding a chainsaw.